Accidently on purpose

 

Reflects…

 Day dreams

Memories.

They all remind of you…

 Your face is fading when I think of you.

 I was going to title this unfinished business…

But we will finish this… either today… or in a couple of forevers.

I want to walk away… but I need the satisfaction…  I crave your presence… when you are so far away…

 I miss your smile… your chocolate skin.

 The way you feel when I hug you and I rub my fingers over the muscles in your back.

 Damn.

 This can’t be life.

 But limbo is excruciating.

I think about our first time on the beach… I remember what I wore… That orange dress… and you stood back and you said you just want to see me walk…

 Damn I liked that shit…

 That was my first time kissing you…

Your lips were so sweet… soft… perfect… mines… at least I thought they were.

I waited 6 months to kiss you… I swear we kissed for hours… I’ve never in my 31 years did that… it was new do me… and i liked it very much.

 But that was then… and this is now.

The consistency… the unsureness… the unknown… its heartbreaking.

 I know I’m not perfect nor are you… but I thought we were perfect for each other.

 I feel like I kept pulling you… pulling you into something that you didn’t want to do… or at least not with me.

(Sigh). I’m not sure what else to do… I tried moving on… seeing other people… but it doesn’t feel the same…

 I don’t want anyone but you…

Seriously.

 I not sure what to do… I’m not sure what to say… but I love you… and I care for you… You have sadness that I can feel whenever I touch you… I wanted to help ease that…

I feel so at peace when I’m with you… relaxed… carefree…

But then I think about reciprocity.

you won’t comunicate with me.. you won’t tell me what upsets you.. what makes you happy.. and that hurts.

 Enough for now.. my head hurts.

 

 

Today I decided I’m running away

Baby today I’m running away.. I honestly can’t take it anymore..

I mean what can I say? this was long over due.. and I was not satisfied.

So baby I’m running.. I’m running from comfort and from mediocrity..

If I ever plan to live the life I want, I have to leave comfort behind.

Today I made my choice to speak to the universe and tell myself it will be ok..

I deserve every good thing that is coming my way.

passion, love, good energy, peace.. assurance

and it feels oh so go to leave..

opportunity is waiting for me..

Motivation Mondays

So.. I need some motivation.. Because I need to get to Egypt in 2017.. and I know I need to work very hard to get there.

I wanted this to be a Bae-cation.. but I don’t have a bae.. so I’ll have to go with some friends..lol

I’m currently learning about the original settler of Kemet so I’m super geeked!!

What one won’t teach me.. I will teach myself and teach others

Being told no doesn’t get me upset.. I honestly gives me power.. and some what of an adrenaline rush to get what I need and want. I thank the heavens for my mom.. she taught me early on to no accept no for and answer. Its like you tell me no.. ok.. now what are my options.. sit and sulk.. or get off my butt and make things happen.. I will always be an over achiever because of this.. what one won’t teach me.. I will teach myself.

Straight like that.

A talk with Sharon

Yesterday I walked my kids to the park to play for a bit before sunset. There was this lady there, that some would label her mentally ill. As the kids were playing  it started to get dark, an I knew I couldn’t make it back home with two small kids in tow before the downfall. We went under the park shed where Sharon was eating her Chinese food and French fries to wait the rain out. Sharon began to talk and sing aimlessly about how beautiful Cheri is. My kids looked to me with a bit of fear. so I tried to calm them by making up games to play. Of course my daughter Lulu ask loudly “what is she talking about MA?” So I asked this lady what her name is.. trying to create dialogue without being forceful.. She then began to speak with this heavy African accent. She begin to tell me how she came here from Africa with a visa. She abruptly stop and said “oh goodness I have talked too much, forgive me.. please speak” I ok’ed her to continue to express herself. She asked me if I had my passport.. I told her no I don’t. She said why? you are privileged. Go and see the world.

And lose some belly fat…

Then she dismissed me with have a blessed day and went back to singing and talking with herself.

Well thank you Sharon. Thank you for putting some fire under me.. and my belly fat..lol